3 Counter-intuitive But Faith-Building Parenting Ideas

This blog was originally posted as a guest blog at Mama Bear Apologetics.

My youngest child graduated from high school this year, and while it most definitely does not make me the expert on all things parenting, I have learned a few things while stewarding three unique souls through their teen years. Though I am super proud of my children for successfully making their way through years of compulsory education, what matters most to me is that all three now have their own growing and reasoned faith in Jesus, and they all truly love and enjoy their parents.

Getting them to the high school graduate milestone wasn’t a carefree process. I often tell friends and those I’ve counseled that parenting isn’t for sissies. There is no pain like your child’s pain. I’d rather have a million people call me a fat lard than hear one voice saying it to my child, and I’d take rejection, heartbreak, and disillusionment 24/7 if it meant keeping them from experiencing it for one second.

But that’s impossible. Our children will live their own lives—real lives—that will include beautiful and wonderful times as well as excruciating and faith-testing times. They have free will and will use it.

While I would never (ever) offer some one-size-fits-all formula for raising successful, Christ-following adults, I do have some tried and tested practices I’d love to present in case they might help you. I know that not all teens are the same, nor are all parents, and for that reason I only present these as ideas and not as formulas. The last thing I would ever want is to add to anyone’s already heavy burden of raising teens, so please…if these won’t work for your situation right now, feel free to file them away. 

1. Think the worst.

Believe it or not, thinking the worst about my children has been incredibly faith-bolstering for me. I know it sounds crazy, but please stick with me. Chances are you’ve heard of this strategy in the past. It was likely referred to as “playing the movie” or “beginning with the end in mind.” While I’ll bet the context applied mostly to dreaming bigger dreams or setting proper goals, I regularly practiced this to face down my worst parenting fears.

There were many times when I would feel palpable fear rising in me as I contemplated navigating high school water. I knew that I needed to take those thoughts captive and that living by fear was not the motive God desired for me. But there were a few intentional times when rather than deny the fear, I decided to just get in the car and go with it. Instead of refusing to entertain such horrible thoughts, I chose to go ahead and surrender to the imaginary doom and play out the worst-case scenario in my mind. It would look something like this:

What if my daughter comes in my room one night and tells me she’s pregnant, addicted to drugs, doesn’t believe in Jesus, can’t stand me, stole a million dollars, and is leaving town with an escaped convict?  What in the world would I do?

Obviously, that’s an extreme example, but as I thought through every possible devastating scenario, I felt the pain and emotion of it like an actual punch in the gut. And I was forced to ask myself how I would handle it. What would I do? Would I throw my own faith out the window feeling betrayed by God? Would I lose my mind? Would I pack up and leave town? Or would I lean more heavily upon the truth of God’s Word? Would I trust that Jesus is not only my Savior, but hers? Would I believe that the Holy Spirit is my comforter? Would I keep an eternal mindset knowing that God is sovereign, that He is good, and that He has already defeated sin and death? Would God and His truth be enough for me?

Thinking through these scenarios became a Psalm 139:23 exercise for me:

Search me, O God, and know my heart; Try me, and know my anxieties.

I had to get honest with myself, my fears, and my faith. It gave me time to prepare my heart with Jesus and to remember, establish, and experience His sufficiency beforehand. It gave Him time to comfort me as I read His Word and experienced the assurance of the Holy Spirit—not that everything was always and only going to go my way…but that He would be there for me…and for my (His) children.  

God has not promised us pain-free, tragedy-free parenting. But He has promised He will never leave us or forsake us. Occasionally thinking through the worst isn’t being a pessimist…it’s making a strategy for counterattack in a time of need.

While I’m thankful the worst-case scenarios I imagined never happened, there were most definitely heart-wrenching moments my husband and I navigated with all three of our kids. And though I would never say I sailed through like a perfect champ (can we say momentary amygdala hijack?), I was far, far more equipped to handle the situations with love, peace, and grace—which glorified God and provided a safe place for their hearts far more than my fleshly and fearful reaction would have been without the preparation.  

2. Set Low Expectations.

What I’m encouraging here is that we set humble, biblical life expectations for our kids and model them. To be honest, I’ve been much better at this in more recent years, and I fully expect to grow in this area as I continue sort through some of my own faulty assumptions. But it has become increasingly more important to me that my children (now adults) understand what true Christian living is and isn’t all about.  I realize that painting the wrong picture now can be a set-up for massive disillusionment later.

Here’s an example you’ve likely heard spoken to teens repeatedly—especially new graduates:

Class of 20__ you—yes, YOU—are going to be the generation that changes the world! You are our future. You are mountain-moving, kingdom heroes whose lives will be an inspiration to all.  

Now, I honestly believe we mean the best when we tell them this. We want them to understand their great value and to be excited about the future. But what we’re really doing is setting them up for massive disappointment in God, others, and themselves—not because it’s a total lie, but because it’s not the whole truth.

Truth is, many of those wide-eyed grads will end up working office jobs—possibly sitting in a cubicle—for years. Others will spend their days changing poopy diapers, and the only mountain moving they’ll do will be in the laundry room. How will they handle it? Will they feel they’ve failed? That God doesn’t like them? That they aren’t good enough for the “big” things? Sadly…many do. Why? Because they weren’t prepared for the daily and the mundane—which (in my experience) require heroic faith and produce such sweet fruit.  

An honest journey through the New Testament tells the tale of Christ-followers who did some amazing things, no doubt. But…they suffered. Every single one suffered. They suffered physical beatings, persecution, and even death for their faith. And they were prepared for it. Jesus told them it would happen. He set them up for success by setting the bar right where it should be—not too high.  

I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world. John 16:33.

Blessed are you when others revile you an persecute you and utter all kinds of evil against you falsely on my account. Rejoice and be glad, for so they persecuted the prophets who were before you. Matthew 5:12

Remember the word that I said to you: A servant is not greater than his master. If they persecuted me, they will also persecute you. If they kept my word, they will also keep yours. John 15:20

We need to follow Christ’s own example when preparing our precious disciples. Of course, we don’t want them to feel hopeless dread for what’s to come, and they won’t if we share the true Good News. But they need to be ready to stay faithful to Christ even when:

• people betray them

• they don’t get their dream job

• temptations beset them

• healing doesn’t come until heaven

• doors don’t open

• marriage isn’t magical

• they never travel farther than the next town

And we need to let them know that some of the most mountain-moving moments will happen between their own ears…where no one will see but the One who matters most. That by daily surrendering their hearts and minds to Christ, the world right around them will be changed…by His love. Not merely by their own brilliance, but by The World-Changer who lives inside them.

3. Embrace Failures.

Of all the possible parenting journeys, my husband and I feel blessed to have had a fairly smooth one. We don’t take this for granted for one second, nor do we pride ourselves in being some super-parents. We are simply…thankful. Even so, all three of our children—at least once in their teen years—came to us to confess something they’d done for which they felt deeply burdened and ashamed. Every time it was disappointing and absolutely broke my heart. But there was a part of me that rejoiced because in those real and raw moments…my children really needed Jesus. They needed Him for their very own sin and brokenness. And they knew it.

The times when my children confessed their deepest regrets and failures are by far the most significant faith-building and relationships-strengthening moments I had with them. My husband and I were able to talk to them about the effects of unconfessed sin on the soul and the beautiful solution God has given us: confession. When they truly hated how they felt about their own sin, there was a real openness and true need for God’s remedy. Once they opened up and got it all out with us, we immediately encouraged them to go spend alone in prayer telling God. Afterwards we talked about the relief that comes from bringing things into the light. They truly experienced the joy that comes from obeying 1 John 1:9 that says,

“If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.”

I’ve told my children on several occasions that the thing I want most for them is for them to have a real and growing relationship with God. Seeing them need Him and turn to Him in those low moments filled me with hope and godly joy. Though we never want to see our children hurting, we know from our own experience that those low times are often the very times we turn to Him with our whole heart.

I want to add this before I end…sometimes our teens don’t feel bad about their sin…yet. It might be years down the road when they are finally brought to their knees. But we can still hold on to the hope that those sins will be the very thing God will use one day to reveal Himself as Redeemer, Healer, and Forgiver. God’s longsuffering arm is strong.

One final significant “failure” I believe we can celebrate is when our children doubt God or something about His Word. I realize some might believe it’s wrong for Christians to doubt. But that’s not what the Bible tells us. Many heroes of the faith doubted. Even John the Baptist had a significant moment of doubt when he was in prison (read Luke 7:20-23). 

If we will see their doubt as opportunities for finding answers rather than moments of defeat, our children’s questions will become real and relevant discipling moments. We can lead them to sound resources, help them think critically, and model for them what it looks like to love Jesus with our minds.[i] Truth is, Christianity can more than withstand the skeptical claims of this world. There is a wealth of evidence from science, philosophy, and history to tap into. Our children need a safe place to doubt. Why not let it be home?

[i] For a list of apologetics and theology resources to get you started, see: http://www.teasicannon.com/resources or http://christianmomthoughts.com/resources/

How to Christian-Celebrity-Proof Your Kids

This post was originally posted as a guest post on Mama Bear Apologetics

It really is crazy how much weight we are prone to place upon the words and endorsements of celebrities. After all, we are fully aware they get paid to entertain us. Whether on the big screen or a sports field, these bigger-than-life icons usually aren’t subject experts or even emotionally stable.  It makes no sense for them to wield the power they do over our hearts and minds.

But what if the celebrity is standing behind a pulpit or leads a popular ministry? We don’t look to these folks to entertain us (or do we?). We look to them to deliver spiritual truth and to emulate what Christian life should look like. We should trust and look to them as good role models, right?

Yes, and no. The Bible affirms the benefits of godly role models. The apostle Paul encouraged people to follow his example as he followed Christ (1 Corinthians 11:1), and Hebrews 11 is full of heroes God saw fit to include as examples for us. Throughout church history, there have been many godly men and women behind pulpits or leading ministries whose lives inspire us and encourage us. Who isn’t inspired to follow Christ with more boldness after reading stories of martyrs? Still today, there are incredible church leaders living solid (not perfect) Christian lives, wearing out their knees to live worthy of their calling. These brothers and sisters deserve not only our respect, but also our prayer, provision, and patience! What they shouldn’t get is our worship or our unvetted devotion, and when we give it to them, we put ourselves on shaky ground—becoming vulnerable to deception, disillusionment, and even deconversion.[i]

Tragically, we are seeing a greater frequency of Christian headlines proclaiming another of our icons has lost his or her faith to some degree. Sometimes it’s a move toward Progressive Christianity,[ii] while other times it’s a move to agnosticism or complete atheism. Our hearts break for our fallen leaders, but the additional tragedy is all the confusion they leave in their wake … and the great number of souls who follow them … wherever they go.

As Christian parents, the thing we want most for our kids is an enduring, biblically sound faith. We see the statistics of young people walking away from church and even away from Jesus, and it is incredibly disheartening—even anxiety-provoking.[iii] So, how can we help our children stay on the narrow road following Jesus, even when people they look up to lose their way?

I’d say first and foremost, we must model an enduring, real faith that includes ups and downs and dealing with failed expectations. Our children need to see examples of how to hurt over the lost without being completely derailed. We can’t give what we don’t already have—so a good bit of self-reflection and re-calibration of our own hearts might be in order (this can be daily for me, anyone else?).

I also believe creating an environment that invites honest conversation is a must. We must strive to be the safest place for our children’s doubts and struggles, and the more we study and dig into finding solid answers for our own doubts, the easier this becomes.

Here are three conversations or lessons I believe can also help us celebrity-proof our children:  

1. Don’t drink pee.

I remember watching one of those extreme survival shows in which a mother and her child had run out of gas in the middle of a desert and were forced to walk for several days in search of help. After running out of water and enduring thirst for as long as they possibly could, they finally got so desperate for liquid that they drank their own urine. Their physical need for water couldn’t be filled by a rightful, legitimate source, and so they turned to a counterfeit. A really gross counterfeit! I’ll bet they would have turned off their physical need for water if they could have, but it is innate. It’s part of what keeps humans alive whether we like it or not. We will find something to drink to stay alive.

Another thing we can’t turn off is our need to worship. We are created to be worshippers, or another way to say it is we are made to be glorifiers. When we glorify something, we magnify it or exalt it or lift it up. When we focus on the object of our worship, we tend to venerate or even imitate it. This is what advertisers are banking on when they use celebrities to sell their products. We want to be just like them!

There is only one legitimate object of human worship, and that is God. We are created in His image … made to reflect and imitate His character and to magnify Him, making it easier for a lost world to see Him. In fact, it’s our primary purpose.[iv] I love how the Westminster Shorter Catechism states it:

Q: What is man’s chief end?

A: Man’s chief end is to glorify God, and to enjoy Him forever.

We will find someone or something to worship. We can’t help ourselves. But whenever the object of our worship is anyone other than God, we are turning to a counterfeit—just like drinking pee. And our kids need to know that counterfeits like these will always disappoint us because they can’t meet our basic human needs.

God, as He reveals Himself in scripture and in Jesus, is the only legitimate, safe, never-failing object of our worship. While we will have great respect for people who live admirable lives, that respect should not compare with the worship we direct toward God. When we lift people up, giving them an unhealthy amount of influence over us, we’ve made an idol.

2. Don’t be afraid of skeletons.

I’ll admit, real skeletons are a little freaky to look at, and I’m not suggesting we engage our little ones in an in-depth study of human anatomy. What I am suggesting is that in addition to telling our children about the Christlike, positive contributions of our role models and historical heroes, we intentionally look at a few “skeletons in the closet” every now and then. You know, those pesky little topics we don’t like to discuss because they might ruin things—like Christian testimonies.

For example, some of the things Martin Luther had to say about our Jewish friends are truly cringe-worthy, yet his wonderful contributions to the church can’t be denied. Both Jonathan Edwards and George Whitefield were slave owners, and John Calvin was known to be quite a control freak who confused loyalty to himself with loyalty to the Gospel.[v] 

Not only do I suggest looking at the moral failures of our historical heroes, but I believe it’s good for our children to see our own. I’m not saying we should reveal every single shocking thing we’ve done, but prayerfully allowing our kids see how we’ve failed or what we’re grappling with intellectually or what God is working on in our hearts (at a level they can comprehend) shows them that God uses broken vessels. This not only stresses that fact that we are all broken (so don’t put people on pedestals), but it also demonstrates that God can use us too—even though we aren’t perfect.

God didn’t sugar coat the lives of our biblical heroes. I can’t think of a single one (other than Jesus, of course) who didn’t have some sort of moral failure as part of his or her story. When we openly discuss the fallibility of man with our children—including discussing stories about people who seem to have lost their faith—they will be better prepared. While we want our kids to experience a healthy grief over sin—both their own and those of people they look up to—we don’t want them to think God has lost His sovereignty every time a big name in the church loses his or her way.

3. Don’t eat plastic fruit.

My grandma always had a big bowl of plastic fruit on her table when I was a kid. I remember squeezing the waxy grapes, flattening them and then watching them pop back into shape. I also remember the fruit looking so real, though I knew they were fake, I sometimes took a bite anyway. Talk about disappointment! No matter how good those pieces of plastic fruit looked, closer inspection exposed them for the posers they were. 

The world puts some tantalizing plastic fruit on its table, too. Popularity, platforms, natural talents, wealth, physical beauty—all really tempting. Multiple times a day this fake fruit is on offer for us, and the more we look at it, the more we are apt to eat it up … even in church.

As Christ followers, we know the world’s fruit leads to disappointment. It never delivers what it promises. But God’s fruit is lasting, life-giving, and available to every one of us. Godly fruit includes love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, faithfulness, and self-control. In the Bible, the real heroes are often the least attractive, least gifted, and least likely to succeed … but they were willing to sacrifice everything for the sake of Christ. These are the things we should be looking for in the lives of the people we respect and follow. When we can’t get close enough for a full inspection, a healthy level of skepticism is okay. Not that we want our children to think the worst of anyone, but we do want them to remember people are fallible and shouldn’t have too much influence over us—especially when we don’t even know them.

There is nothing wrong with our children admiring someone’s natural ability to sing or play an instrument. But they need to understand that neither of those are clear indicators of a faithful commitment to Jesus or to holiness. There is nothing wrong with being moved by a speaker or teacher’s style of communicating, but goosebumps aren’t always a clear indicator of a sermon’s biblical accuracy.

When our children tell us they loved youth group or a conference they attended, those are great opportunities to discuss what exactly it was that impacted them and help them decide if those things would be good indicators of godly fruit. If not, it might simply be their focus was on superficial things (they weren’t up for fruit inspection just then), or it could be the fruit on offer was truly plastic. Either way, it’s a meaningful conversation that can give us an opportunity to remind our kids how to be on the lookout for godly, real fruit in the future.  

[i] “Deconversion” is the term used to describe the systematic dismantling of one’s faith, usually preceded by abuse, intellectual doubt, personal pain or an unbiblical lifestyle.

[ii] For a good overview of Progressive Christianity and its dangers, read: https://www.alisachilders.com/blog/5-signs-your-church-might-be-heading-toward-progressive-christianity or https://www.michaeljkruger.com/new-series-the-10-commandments-of-progressive-christianity/

[iii] For a good article on this, read: https://coldcasechristianity.com/writings/are-young-people-really-leaving-christianity/

[iv] I’ve written a book on purpose vs. calling if you’re interested: Lord, Where's My Calling: When the Big Question Becomes a Big Distraction

[v] Here are several articles and videos on dealing with the moral failures of our heroes from The Gospel Coalition: https://www.thegospelcoalition.org/?s=moral+failures+of+our+historical+heroes